One of the gifts I was given this Christmas was a DVD of a band and part of the special features was a film about them returning to where they first started out to do some secret gigs. As they were travelling to these locations they were being asked how they felt about going back to do these and one of them said “Part of me thinks, what are we doing back here? We’ve already done this.”

As we approach the start of 2009, it is the time of year when people are considering change and New Year resolutions. It is not that uncommon for these resolutions to be about getting back to something that you have achieved in the past – so it may be that you want to get back into the jeans that you could wear 5 years ago, or maybe its about getting back the feeling that you used to have about a particular event or person.

I often find that when people imagine themselves achieving such resolutions or goals that they are imagining themselves at a time back when they last did it – so for example, if the new years resolution is to get back into the jeans they could wear 5 years ago, they imagine themselves 5 years ago getting into the jeans, rather then in the present or the near future.

I’ve written previous posts about how your brain is a bit like a taxi driver – it’s easier for you to get to where you want if you are clear in what you want your destination to be (See this post for more details)

If when you imagine yourself doing something you are imagining a you from the past, you run the risk of part of you going “We’ve already done this.” Make it easier on yourself, by all means have a goal of getting into a particular pair of jeans – make sure that when you imagine doing that, that you imagine a present or future you (not one in the past).

I invite you to play with the following for any new year’s resolution or goals that you are currently working with:

1. Imagine what it will be like when you achieve this new years resolution/ goal

2. Notice what age you are imagining yourself to be – if this is a you in the past, remember that this is your imagination so change it to imagine something else instead.
Likewise if you realise that you are imagining achieving this a lot further into the future than you would like, have a play at imagining it happening sooner.

Have a fantastic week and I’ll take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year.

Love

Have a fantastic week and I’ll take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year.

Love

Jen

If you had more self belief what would that allow you to do?

I’ve designed this CD to be a fun and very simple programme that will allow you to understand where your current level of belief lies, and once completed you can measure just how much more confidence and belief you have in yourself. This system is about giving you practical tools that you can apply at anytime to ensure you feel at your optimum when it matters most to you.

If you have already read any of my articles you will probably not be surprised that rather than tell you anything, with this CD I talk with you, and take you through various processes which allows you to discover for yourself what self belief is for you, and if you had more of it how would that change your life?

This session enables you to feel more confident and empowered to go and live the life you want. If you constantly worry, feel anxious or have the feeling that you are just not good enough, then this is the recording for you.

It is not a programme that is just to be used once, if you want you can listen and use it again and again! Building your confidence in yourself and moving your life forward to achieve just what you want.

This CD focuses upon overcoming doubt and having belief in your own uniqueness. As part of coaching is about having meaningful conversations you’ll find that the content is in a conversational style. Within the tracks you’ll find questions, techniques and exercises that you are invited to play with so that they make a difference for you!

By the end of the CD you will have been invited to have done the following:

• Defined what self-belief means for you
• Identified your starting level of self-belief
• Described the consequences of what you think increasing self-belief means to you
• Defined how you would like to outwardly demonstrate self-belief
• Examined what is getting in your way and if that is really true
• Argued for possibilities
• Honestly listed your accomplishments
• Started to keep a compliments and accomplishment diary/record
• Experienced what it is like to have just the right amount of self-belief
• Identified and committed to take action that will make a difference for you

Running Time is 39 minutes

Track List

1. Choices and opportunities
2. What is self belief?
3. Consequencies
4. Shining a light
5. Accomplishments
6. Quietening the “inner critic”
8. Where next?

The price for this CD is £14.99 + £1 postage and package for addresses within the UK.*

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(The price for this CD is £14.99 + £1.82 Postage and Package)

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The price for this CD is £14.99 + £2.94 Postage and Package

The title says it all really

You will now see that there is now a resources section to the site to add to the site. This section will grow over the next few days, weeks and months, so do keep checking back to see what has been added recently. You will find that the main resource page will give you the links to more in depth information and/or reviews about books, CD’s and e-courses.

Last week I talked about labels that concern a particular job or role and the impact that taking on a job title as part of your identity can have.  If you missed the first part of this piece you can still read it by visiting here

This week, as promised, I invite you to play with the concept of labels concerning characteristics. You may have heard others (or done it yourself) describe themselves as a characteristic or to put it another way a particular type of behaviour or feeling – Maybe it was something like “unconfident” or “insecure”.

You may also have noticed that sometimes those labels are the reason someone gives for what is getting in the way of doing something – For example a reason given for not speaking in staff meetings is because they are “shy”.

The thing that I have noticed is that when people include such labels as part of their identity – the way that they think of themselves that they also include a whole set of “rules” or guidelines associated with that label. They use the label to explain a particular way of behaving.

The times when these labels can be the reason for people becoming stuck in a particular situation is when they take away the flexibility of how to choose to behave (or not) in certain situations. The label in effect is used as something that is permanent and static.

Assigning this label to your identity also can have the effect of taking away your choice of how to behave. Human beings are complex creatures, living in a world that has many different changing variables. Many of those variables are outside of our direct control. We do however have more control over our own choices (once we are aware that we are making them.)

Today I invite you to play with the following to have more choice.

1.    Choose a label that you know that you use to describe yourself (Remember you don’t have to change it – you can always choose to keep it later, we’re only playing.) Many people find that its easier to answer these questions if they get the answer out on paper rather than keeping it just in their head. If you haven’t already grab a pen and paper to play with the following.

2.    Byron Katie has recently released a book entitled Who Would You Be Without Your Story. Who would you be without this particular label you’ve chosen to explore?

3.    What action could you take if you weren’t this label?

4.    I could ask you to find evidence for occasions and situations when you have behaved differently however for now, notice how different the following sentence feels – Sometimes I’m [your label] and sometimes I’m not.

For example if you are playing with the label of shy the sentence for you to say is sometimes I’m shy and sometimes I’m not.

The reason that this sentence can be so powerful is because it adds in the possibility that you can behave differently and you have that choice. Some also find that it takes off any pressure that they were placing upon themselves to have to behave a certain way ALL the time.

Love

Jen

PS is there something that you would like me to write specifically about? I want to make these messages relevant to you. Email me or leave me a comment and let me know what you’d like me to talk further about. You can make it as detailed or as brief as you’d like but I’d love to hear from you.

So decorations are up and Miracle on 34^th Street has just aired on the television – it is that time of year. The festive season often brings situations and scenarios that you don’t find yourself in during the rest of the year. For some they totally enjoy and look forward to this, for others confidence issues can get in the way of looking forward to these times. A recent survey, for example, found that almost 1 in 3 office workers dread the office Christmas party. This month I thought I would briefly cover some practical tips to specifically deal with some of these situations. These are not an extensive list, just a few practical ways for you to play with and give you some more flexibility to choose to do something different this time.

• When you look in the mirror what is it that you say to yourself? Is it a variation of “yuck” or that your nose is too big or that you’re too skinny? If its something that isn’t particularly complimentary then I suspect that changing that will make a big difference. Notice what it is that your saying to yourself. Keep the same words repeat it to yourself again BUT this time use the silliest voice that you can imagine – whether that’s a cartoon character’s voice or just a really over exaggerated comedy voice notice if it has the same impact hearing that said in that tone. (For an extra bonus try moving the new silly voice off into the distance and see how different that is.)

Feeling unconfident about a particular event?

• Make life easy for yourself: if you already know that having your hair done or that wearing a particular outfit or pair of shoes gives you a boost then use it to your advantage.

• Plan to make sure that you have enough time to comfortably get ready before arriving, you’ll find it a lot easier if you are not running around like a mad thing at the very last minute. Do what you know works so that you arrive feeling more relaxed than stressed and flustered.

Feeling unconfident about the prospect of meeting an individual/family member?

• Again, lets make this as easy as possible. Is there is a particular individual who when you think about meeting them now results in you feeling unconfident? I’m presuming that this person is not physically with you at this moment so if you were feeling unconfident then it would suggest that the trigger was how you were thinking about them rather than anything they were doing at that moment.

You may find this easier to play with if you close your eyes and imagine the person whom you were feeling unconfident around. Without opening your eyes, point to where you are imagining that person.

Once you are pointing, open your eyes and notice if you are pointing above your eye-line, level or below your eye-line.

Most people find that if they are imagining someone above their eye-line that they feel intimidated by them. If this applies to you, as this is your brain, play with moving where you imagine that person. See how different it feels if you imagine that person at your eye-level or below your eye-level.

This may sound really simple, but it is amazing the effect it can have about how you are feeling about someone.

• Choose to spend more time around people that you feel good being around and less time around those who you don’t.

Have an exit strategy planned in advance should you want to use it – Some people report that just knowing how they can politely get out of a conversation or even the entire situation takes the pressure off and allows them to confidently focus on what is actually going on around them.

• Remember to breathe. Yes, I know that can sound simple and yet the rate and depth of how we breathe can impact massively upon how we are feeling. Use this to your advantage; if you notice that you are not feeling confident change the rate that you are breathing at (I suggest that you breath more slowly and deeply.) If you really want to go mad you could even add smiling at the same time.

These are just some of the ways that you can play with so that the events that you confidently choose to go to are far more enjoyable.

Have a wonderfully confident Festive celebrations.

Love

Jen

I was channel hopping the other day and briefly came across an edition of “wife swap.” If you have never seen this show the concept is that two women temporarily swap families, for the first half of their stay they abide by the normal house lifestyle, for the second half the visiting lady imposes her own “rules”. The bit of the show I saw was in that second half. Whenever any of the house broke one of her rules she put the “offending” family member into a time out space. She also physically stuck a label onto them detailing their offence (e.g. “Potty Mouth”).

As I watched (and wondered how the researchers for the show had managed to find families at such opposing ways of living!), I thought more about how people often walk around with their own labels. Granted they are not the physical sticky version that the Wife Swap participant was using but these ones can have huge impact on our daily life.

Broadly speaking these labels fall into 2 different categories – those that concern a particular role/job and those that are about characteristics. I invite you to consider the labels that you walk around with and how it impacts your life. We’ll also look at some simple alternatives if you would like to lose some of those labels. This week I’ll be focusing upon the labels that concern a particular role or job and next week those labels that concern particular characteristics.

You’ve probably heard others do it when introducing themselves; maybe you’ve even done it yourself. “I’m an administrator/hypnotist/student/ insert relevant role”. You may be reading this thinking well I am, that’s what I do. And to a certain extent you are right that is what you do for work.

What’s the difference? One you are using as a label of who you actually are; part of your identity, the other as a description of an action that you do – i.e. you work as an administrator/hypnotist or you are studying.

I know this may seem like semantics but lets consider the impact that including such labels as part of your identity:

Many people already have preconceived ideas about how a particular role “should” be played. They then use this as a benchmark for how they do that role in reality.

This can have a couple of effects; firstly it often focuses on the process of how to achieve something, rather than the result. It may be that the process that this role “should” do works really well for you, it may also be that in other situations you have developed methods that will work even better for you. Sometimes people ignore these other methods because in their own head it’s not the perfect way that this role should be done.

Let’s take being “a student” as an example, the end result is surely learning and/or demonstrating a particular skill or piece of knowledge – there are many, many different ways, methods and processes to get to that end result. Sometimes “students” get so caught up with the way that they perceive how a student “should” behave to get results, that they ignore what’s worked for them as an individual in the past when they have been studying other things. They get caught up in playing the role of a student rather than focusing on the result they want to achieve.

This feeling of playing a part can also effect how comfortable you feel in your own skin. A fear of being found out as being a fake is a fairly common confession for those who want to increase their confidence. Which when put into a context of the use of labels with jobs/roles is not that surprising.

Another potential consequence of using this form of label is the impact that it can have when that job or role ends.

A sudden loss of job can be feel even worse if an individual feels that role was part of their identity. I know from working with people who have been made redundant or laid off that the reality of a loss of that particular income etc is the same regardless of how you thought of the role. I do know that those who had been thinking of it as what they did found it felt a lot better about the situation than those who thought about it as part of their identity.

Notice for yourself how you currently describe your situation. If you are using it as a label I invite you this week to play and change that description.

1.  On a piece of paper write down the following sentence:

“A [your label] should ….”

Instead of [your label] actually write the label you have been using

For example:

A nurse should ……

2. For the next minute write everything that springs to mind to complete that sentence – you only have 1 minute so don’t waste the time by debating if you should write that answer or not, if it’s sprung to mind just write it down and come back to it later.

3. After a minute, re-read what you have written and notice the previously unwritten rules that you had been judging yourself by.

4. If there is a particular situation you’ve been stuck with finding the next step on you may want to ask yourself the following question:

If someone didn’t have to follow the rules written at stage 2, what could they do instead?

Bonus tip for if you want to try a different way

5. Decide upon a different way of describing what you currently do i.e. I work as a teacher or I work teaching 7 year olds.

6. Go and introduce yourself to 5 different people using your new description – notice the difference that this makes to both the way you feel and to the response that you get from the other person.

Enjoy playing and next week I’ll talk about characteristic labels

Love

Jen

PS Is there something that you would like me to write specifically about? My mind reading is a bit vague so do email me or leave me a comment to tell me about what you want to read about :)

This week I invite you to play with Jamie’s words. I also encourage you to follow his example and apply the techniques in other areas other than just the ones he mentions, you can use it any time you want to communicate more dynamically – maybe when telling stories to your children, giving a speech at a wedding or family celebration or during a business presentation. However this may apply to the specifics of your life I hope you enjoy playing. I’ll be back next week with some of my own words

I was listening to a friend tell me a story the other day about one of his favourite hobbies, motorbike riding. He was telling me about a trip out he’d had riding through the winding roads of a mountain with pine trees on both sides and the wind blowing at his back. As he rode and increased the speed he described to me how he felt when he was millimetres from the ground as he turned round hair pin corners feeling the tip of his knee brushing against the road and the sun blinding him right before his bike corrected it’s balance and he shot forwards down the long straight road of total freedom.

As he was telling me these things I started to notice how his tone of voice was shifting, how his skin colour was changing and the muscles in his cheeks were rising and falling as he described the most intense parts of his experience. His eyes became wide and bright, his smile grew and each part of his being was associated into the experience he was describing.

When I’ve heard people talking about congruence when working with people I’ve most often found that it was being talked about from the clients’ perspective. That is, watching the client and noticing when they’re congruent and when they’re not. Noticing when they say yes and shake their head no, sensing when they claim excitement and demonstrate a mediocre emotion and generally being aware how a person says what they say and whether that matches with what they talk about linguistically.

Another side of congruence, and one I find to be an important and key part of working with people in general, is that of being congruent as a coach in what we say and what we demonstrate and also being congruent with our own values.

What I mean by this is that when we work with people and we tell them stories or ask them questions to elicit certain states, what I’ve found to be one of the most important aspects of this is to demonstrate the state in question as we talk about it. Now, even though it is possibly to elicit a state in someone simply by describing it,
from experience, it’s much easier for both the listener and the speaker if the speaker is demonstrating what he/she is talking about.

This also makes it easier for the client to unconsciously understand what to do even when we’re not talking about the states themselves.  Sometimes simply by going into the right state and being congruent with what we want our client to feel, they simply begin to go into that space.

So how can we practice being congruent with what we want our client to experience?

Here are 5 steps for practicing different states so that you can easily go into them when you want too.

1.       Remember a time when you were curious about something before and see what you saw at the time, hear what you heard, smell and taste anything that you might have at the time and begin to remember what it feels like to become curious now.

2.       As you start to notice what it feels like to become curious, start to intensify the feelings and then remember a second time when you felt curious and see what you saw, hear what you heard and begin to double and triple the feelings of curiosity.

3.       Notice how this sense of curiosity feels and begin to describe one of the times you’ve felt curious. This might be done by telling a story about this time you were curious.

4.       Remember this feeling and then find another person to tell this story too.

5.       Begin telling this story of curiosity and notice how the feelings come back and how the person you’re telling the story too begins to also become more curious.

The more you go into the state that you want to elicit in your client, the easier and quicker they’ll go into that state.

It’s interesting how even unconsciously we can notice whether someone is really putting forward what they’re talking about compared to when they’re doing things by rote. This can make all the different with the people we’re working with and often makes or breaks a session.

For many of you this will already be something you do and the more you practice and the more you learn what it feels like for you to go into the states you want to elicit in your clients, the easier and more diverse it will become. You might even begin to realise that each of these states is in fact not just one type of feeling but also that it has a spectrum of feelings that can be used for similar responses, each with its own different levels of intensity.

Please post comments on how this works for you and how you’ll use this in the future.

Most importantly remember to have fun with this. It’s about playing, experimenting and experiencing more of the things we like.

Love, Jamie

(c) Jamie Dixon 2008

PS If you want to read more of Jamie’s work visit http://www.warmthonthesoul.com, where you can register so that you are one of the first to find out about new articles, reviews and discoveries.