Your Changing Direction

“At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”
(Lao Tzu, Chinese Philosopher and founder of Taoism 600 BC – 531 BC)

Susan Boyle has dominated the entertainment headlines around the world for her appearance on the UK variety TV talent show “Britain’s Got Talent”.

On the same semi-final was a contestant who had started the show as a duo of best friends. The judges rejected the duo but told her that they thought she could make it as a solo artist. The choice that this candidate made was to “go solo” and the friendship is currently in tatters.

Choosing to put her chance of getting the opportunity to pursue her dream above the friendship was something that this performer was prepared to do. How about you? What would you have done?

Now before you think this is going to be a piece that tells you that you must do whatever it takes – notice what your reaction was to that last question. Some will have had no problems saying yes, for others it would have been a categorical no-way.

 As far as I’m concerned there’s no judgement about if you were a yes or a no, its just interesting to note how it works for you. You see when we describe what we want there is often an unspoken condition and assumption in there.

For example, you may want “financial security” … as long as you don’t have to work 16-hour days.

Maybe you want “stability” … and only have to deal with certain people.

Perhaps you want to loose weight … and still be friendly and approachable.

It’s not at all uncommon that leaving some of this unsaid actually makes it harder to work towards what you want.

This week I invite you to play with the following so that you completely word what you want. You’ll need a piece of paper and something to write with to make this easier.

1. At the top of one side write “I want [and put what you want] because …”

Remember that we are only playing here, I’m not asking you to commit to taking any action or following this for the rest of your life!

2. Once you have written that down, underneath your heading write all the reasons you want that.

Again this is your list, so the length of it will be unique to you

3. On the other side of the paper write “I don’t want [insert what you want] because…”

4. This time write any reasons you can think of why you wouldn’t want this.

5. Draw a line under your 2 lists and modify what you want to eliminate the reasons why you don’t want it.

For example, “I want to run my own business” may become

“I want to run my own business, doing things that I love and easily have plenty of time to spend with my family.”

6. Write your answer to part 5 in the form “I want … because” and then answer the question.

7. On the other side of the paper write “I don’t want … because” using your answer from part 5.

8. Answer any reasons you can think of that you wouldn’t want that.

9 Repeat steps 5 – 8 until the question of why you don’t want this just seems ridiculous

Notice at no time have I asked you to take any action on this so you can put anything down, even if the possibility of it happening seems insanely impractical

Bonus step

Keep playing with what you want until it just seems amazing to be able to have that.

So I don’t want to be rich enough to pay off debts and have enough to pay bills may be a ridiculous question but there may be an even more powerful want.

For example I want to be rich enough from doing things I love and having enough to pay off debts and bills and travel around the world (or pay my children’s university fees etc) appears, to me, a far more amazing want.

Remember to double check for any modifications with the “I don’t want question …”

Once you have defined what you really want, notice the difference between that and how it was originally worded.

If a fun next step springs to mind about what you want to do, by all means take action on it.

Have a fantastic week

Love

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Many Thanks

If you prefer to listen to yesterdays “The Rules of The Game” message
click HERE and then press play.

“My Life is my message”

(Mahatma Gandhi, in response to journalists questioning about his message to the world)

As I sat down to start writing this weeks message 2 Tabby cats arrived to tell me that it had been thundering and I should be admiring them.

Now, these are 2 cats who do share (or should that be rule) the house so I perhaps shouldn’t be surprised. Though I was slightly bemused by the connection between thunder and me admiring them. (In retrospect it may have been more “I’m awake therefore you should be admiring me!”)

While obviously paying them attention, it reminded me of the expectations and rules that we often live by and impose upon ourselves.

The stories that we tell ourselves about why something has happened, or we have done something. The thing is it may seem perfectly natural and obvious for that story to be true – Ask my cats, its perfectly obvious to them that I should be spending time admiring them.

One of the exercises I occasionally do in smaller group trainings involve a lot of ping-pong balls and a bucket. The instructions I give is that they are not allowed to move from where they are sat (or throw the balls until after I had given the instructions and moved – something I added after the first time I ran the game ) The aim is simply to get as many balls into the bucket.

Depending upon the group we will have a range of success of getting some balls in the bucket but there is always some that do not end up in the bucket. When I ask the reasons why there wasn’t 100% success rate I would get a variety of reasons including:
overarm vs underarm techniques
Lack of practice
thrown from too far away
the bucket blended into the background so it was difficult to aim
and there was always some gush of wind from air conditioning or an open window to blow the light balls of target

I’ve done this game with hundreds of people and the list always included things that were under the direct control of the participants and things that were not. For example, I told the group that one of the rules was that they could not move, so how close they were throwing from was not in their direct control.

They did, for example, have control over the technique they chose – either over or under arm and to notice the ones that worked for them in that situation.

The thing that became obvious to me is that, when working with teams who’s performance I knew about, the ones who focused more on the things that were in their control were the ones who got less stressed when change happened. For example, in a business context new legal regulations being introduced were outside of the individuals direct control. The individuals and teams who coped the best with such change were the ones who accepted it and worked with them. The ones who focused more on what was outside of their control got far more stressed. It was as if they kept trying to run through a brick wall and were surprised when they came to a sudden stop.

The other interesting thing to note is that although some thought of the idea after, not one group has ever thought to pass the balls to the member who is closest or the most accurate thrower. So many thought that even without the instruction being given that they have to do everything themselves.

My sister often accuses me of cheating if I cross something off my to do list that I haven’t actually done myself. She seems to think that the important thing is doing it herself. I happen to think that the important thing is that it gets done. If someone else can do it better than I can, or enjoys it more so I can spend my time doing other things then even better.

At this stage each week I invite you to play with some exercise or experiment. This week I do the same and literally invite you to make it into a game.

If there is something in your life where you think you are stuck I invite you to play with this, otherwise you could always use your entire life.

As always the key words here is play and being lighthearted. If there is something that you feel you need extra support with then do go ask for help with that.

If you were going to teach someone else to play this situation or your life what would the rules be? If it helps you may want to write these rules down.

To help identify these rules use these questions as a basis:

What should they do?

What must they do?

What have they got to do?

Are there any secret rules that only you know about?

How do you know when to feel stuck?
Is there anything to do with the environment that you need to see, hear, feel, smell etc?
(For example, I once had someone say that the times when they felt stuck in their job was when they smelt egg sandwiches in the staff room!)

What skills/capabilities do you need to play this game? Are there any that you can’t have?

Does a player have to play this game using any particular behaviours?

What else is important for others to know about this so that they can play? Anything that they need to believe or things they need to value?

Is there a particular label or identity that the player has in this game? If so are there any rules connected with that?

When you have all the rules have a read through. You may notice that some are in your control and some are not.

You may notice that some are not useful or you may just want to laugh at.

Like the person with the smell of egg sandwiches, there may be things on there that are a complete surprise that are important to the rules as you were playing the game.

Remember we are only playing and if you wanted you could always change the rules to make it a different game.

You may be happy to leave some there “just because”.

Who or what do you know that could make playing this game easier?
Who or what do you know that could make playing this game more fun?

A Bonus, extra part, to play with:
This can be particularly powerful so do allow yourself to be gentle when playing with this bit.

The label you use for this is entirely up to you as its potentially unique for each person. Some people like to call it their inner knowing, wisdom or spirit. Others like to call this a higher power or being, some like to think of it as God. Use what ever works for you and take a moment to do whatever you know or need to do to connect with that.

Once you are connected notice what extra insights you get for the rules of this game.
What’s important to notice?
What’s not important?
When you have become aware of everything to be aware of with this you may want to say thank you and bring that knowledge back to where you are now.

Have a fantastically playful week

Love

If you prefer to listen to yesterdays “Influence your own life” message then you click HERE and then press play.

“You don’t have to be a “person of influence” to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.” (Scott Adams)

I have just got back from assisting on a training in London. One of the compliments I received while I was there was that they could tell who had influenced my style and my work.

One reason I took this as a compliment is firstly because the person they had identified as an influence is someone I think is world class at what they do.

The other reason I took it as a compliment is that several years ago I made a conscious decision to surround myself with those whose work I admired. It’s something I’ve found can really influence how easily I have a “good” day. Especially when I include people, events etc who when I found that when I was around things seemed easier or more pleasant.

You may have read or heard interviews with musicians or actors who will credit other acts or artists as being an influence on their style.

This does not mean that these performers copy those who have been influential. Nor does it mean that the influencers have magically transformed those spectators.

Part of the dictionary definition of influence is “the capacity of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behaviours, opinions, etc, of others”

For me, the key part of that the phrase is there is “a compelling force”, it’s not about removing all choice.

While I have made a conscious decision to be around positive influences, in the past I have also made decisions to remove and/or limit exposure from being around other situations who’s influence I found not to be positive.

It seems to make sense to me that by spending more time around the positive influences and less around those that don’t. This week I invite you to play with the following to influence your own life:

1. Make a list of at least 10 things, people, events, activities, places etc you know that it’s easier to feel fantastic/have a good day when you include them.

2. Make a list of at least 20 things that bug you but not enough for you to have taken action on yet – these don’t have to be big things – it may just be an occasional leaking tap in the bathroom.

3. This week I invite you to spend some time enjoying connecting with someone or thing from your first list. I also invite you to take action to remove something from your second list.

4. Notice how this influences you and your life.

Create a fantastically influential week

Love

Jen

“Our language is funny – a fat chance and slim chance are the same thing”. ~J. Gustav White

I have to give the IT support team, where I used to work, credit. They would be quite use to me calling to say something highly technical like “the thingy-ma-jig isn’t working” (which of course is different to a what’s-it). The team were very good at interpreting what I was talking about and provide me with a solution.

The ones who were really good, and provided easy to follow instructions, were the ones who stepped into my world and used little or no technical jargon in their answers.

I was reminded about this recently while working with someone wanting to change their career. This individual had lots of relevant experience, the industry that they were in used different “labels” to describe the same actions and responsibilities that the new career required.

One of the first things that we did was to amend their CV so that the language used matched the labels in the new industry. We kept the facts the same. This automatically helped the potential employer see the match between the experience and skills and what they wanted in that role.

Both of the above are examples of using the other person’s language to communicate more effectively. The IT team to communicate a solution (and possibly get some peace from me ) With the CV example it was about strongly communicating how well the candidate matched what the potential employer wanted.

Sometimes a person’s language can also be an indication of the individual’s interests. For example, you may find that there is a lot of sporting references in their every day language – “moving the goal posts”, “letting the side down” or “a clean sheet” being phrases that can often be used and all originate from sport.

On other occasions it may be a cultural reference – it was interesting to see a localised family run business merge with a multinational company and see both sides adapt to the language and jargon that both cultures regularly used.

You may have noticed that when someone is describing a situation they paint a picture with their words so that you get a taste of what they are talking about. Sometimes you may only get a whiff of what they meant. How much you feel that you understand may be an indication of how successful the message was communicated. People often do this by using words that make use of the senses.

For example, some words and phrases that make use of the visual sense are: image, illuminate, hazy, bright, unsightly, focus, big picture and green with envy.

Some words and phrases that make use of the auditory (hearing) sense: buzz, dialogue, discuss, ring, tone, off-beat, tune in-to, clear as a bell and speak your mind.

Some words and phrases that make use of the sense of touch and feelings*: grasp, lukewarm, nudge, painful, sense, cool customer and hold on a moment.

*(This can also be referred to as kinaesthetic – but that is still just a label to aid communication in certain groups/fields of knowledge)

Some words and phrases that make use of the senses of taste and smell: acidic, choke, digest, savour, gut feeling, tough to swallow, nosey, odour, pungent, reeks, sniff, I smell a rat and a sweet smell of success.

You may notice that in certain situations and instances that a person may use words that predominately make use of one or a few of the senses. Just like in the example where we matched the same language for the CV etc it can help your communication to match words using the senses that they used when you notice them.

(Remember people do change over time so don’t automatically presume that because a person used visual or auditory words for a situation on one occasion that they will still use those to describe it on another. It is wise to pay attention to see if it has altered)

If there is someone you would like to communicate more effectively with I invite you to play with the following. It may be an individual or group.

1. Notice the language that they are using.

2. Pay attention to how it is different to the language that you use.

3. If you have detected a difference in a “label,” you may want to check to see if your understanding of what they are saying is actually what they mean.

4. Just for fun, what happens if you adopt their language?

Use your own judgement with what and when you choose to do this. Sometimes it can seem “clunky” when you are getting used to doing this and there may be certain circumstances that you don’t want that to be the case.

Have a lovely week

Love

Jen