Your Changing Direction

"Don’t let him live rent free in your head."

(Line from the TV show CSI episode If I had a hammer, spoken by the character “Brass”)

This week’s message is in response to a few queries and stories people have shared about how what others have said in the past effects your confidence. 

A couple of years ago I wrote the following in response to similar questions. The piece was very popular at the time so it felt appropriate to share it with you again.

As always you are the expert on you, I invite you to play with what’s written here and if you want modify any of it to see how it makes a difference for you.

I was co-delivering a training a few weeks ago and the theme that appeared throughout the day was that you only had to live through something once. 

It reminded me of a Zen story about two travelling monks, one was younger and less experienced who looked up to the older brother. On their travels they came across a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. The younger monk hesitated, as their order strictly forbid relations with females. The older monk quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed. 

As the monks continued on their way, the younger one was brooding and preoccupied. After several days and unable to hold his silence any longer, he spoke out. “Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!” 

The older monk looked surprised and then laughed, “Brother,” the second monk replied, “I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her.”

So how can you put down something you’ve been carrying around? Unless someone is in the room with you right now the actual event which made you feel unconfident has been and gone so it’s what we’re doing in our head that often keeps people stuck in one place. This week’s tip looks at one way in which, if you wanted to, you can play with that and alter your feelings towards an event.

There is a range of options you can control now when watching digital television, just by using your remote control:

Brightness 
volume 
The camera you watch events on, 

If you want commentary (or not) on sporting events etc. 

This technique literally hands you the control panel to your own memory.

I invite you to play with some event in the past that you would like to feel different about. Be gentle, I wouldn’t suggest picking anything traumatic, remember this is the first time that you’ve potentially done this.

You may find this easier if you note down your answers to this using a pen and paper.

1. Imagine you are sat about to watch this event on screen. 

Notice if you are watching this on TV, a normal cinema screen, a special panoramic screening or something else entirely.

How close to the screen are you sat and at what angle?

2. As the event begins to play on screen notice how the director has chosen to display this event:

Is it colour or black and white?

Is it bright or dim?

Is it moving or still (or a series of still photo’s)?

Is what you’re watching flat or 3d?

How big is the image your watching?

3. Once you have noted that, begin to play with what you have noticed – You become the director of the event and you can decide how you watch it. Feel the difference each change makes to the experience.

For example if you were sat close to the screen before what happens if you move the screen right to the horizon?

If you were watching something in colour before what happens if you use the control panel and drain the colour out so it’s black and white.

Bonus tip

4. As you notice which settings feel just right you may want to play with a combination of changes. You could also add a different soundtrack, or alter the speed or direction it’s being played at.

For example:

Option 1: A shrunken black and white image running backwards on the horizon with circus music in the background 

often feels very different to a 

Second option: A huge panoramic event with bright bold colours, a gospel choir and full orchestra playing as a soundtrack. 

Each representation can have its place, I invite you to play with what difference it makes for you. You can be the director of any movies or pictures playing in your own head.

Love 

If you prefer to listen to last weeks “Are you willing to do whatever it takes?” message click HERE and then press play.

If you prefer to listen to this weeks “Oh, Good Question!” message
click HERE and then press play.

“The key to wisdom is knowing the right questions”
(John A Simone, Sr)

Part of my work is to act as a catalyst, a facilitator if you like, for the change that people want to add to their lives.

One of the things I tell everyone I work with individually is that I will ask questions – and some of them may appear odd or different. So if you want to take a bit of time to think of an answer at any point that’s OK – after all if they were the questions that you are already asking yourself then they would have worked already.

Ask different questions and get different answers. If you have not been getting answers to the questions you’ve been asking yourself, it does not mean that there is anything “wrong” with you. You just haven’t asked the question(s) that get those answers.

This does not mean that you have to do everything yourself, sometimes the question that moves you forward is about finding someone or somewhere who will know more information or techniques.

I know when I’m working with someone I’m devising questions that are unique for that person and the conversation we are having. Today, I’ll share a few basic pointers for what to consider if the questions you’ve been asking haven’t been given you answers. Remember, this is about finding the questions that work for you and the situation. If any of the questions or words listed below work for you then keep using them your way.

Do you need all the words you have in your question?
Make it easier to get an answer by asking questions that don’t contradict themselves or create confusion by adding unnecessary words.

Lets use the following, “what are my intangible qualities?”, and see how it could be altered to get answers more easily.

Part of the definition of intangible is “not definite or clear to the mind” so in effect what the question is asking for is clarity on something that is not clear. Removing that word would give you the simpler “what are my qualities?”

Is your question closing off possible solutions by being phrased with only a yes or no question?

For example, “is there anything else I can do?” directs the attention to either yes or no. If this is a situation where new ideas are wanted it can easily be rephrased to open up more possible answers. Generally this is done by using the words who, what, when, where and how. So in the above example it can be rephrased as “what else can I do?”

Are you moving away or towards something with your question?
Is the wording of your question all about moving away from a situation?
For example, “How can I get out of debt?” is about moving away from debt.
“How can I create more money?” is still a question about income but generally produces different answers to the first question.

If the question you are currently asking is not getting you answers notice if you are asking a question about moving away or towards something.

Are you asking for what you want? The use of why in questions.
Asking a question with why will give you a possible cause or reason which if that was the answer you wanted is great. If what you really want is a solution then ask a different question. Maybe one that involves who, what, when, where or how.

This week I invite you to play with the questions you’ve been asking to see what different answers you get.

1. Pick a situation where you are either stuck or would like new insights.
2. Notice the questions you are asking yourself about that at the moment.
3. Using the various pointers above, what other questions can you ask about that situation?
4. What else can you ask?
5. Notice what different answers you get with these questions.

Have a week filled with insightful questions and answers

Love

PS If you want to be one of the people who work with me visit here to see the packages I offer and email me to set up a time to chat about what you want.