Your Changing Direction

“Let it go, let it go, let it go
‘Cos it’s out of my control
Let it go, let it go
Don’t have to have it all
Grips so tight it shatters the only thing that matters
I only got one life
Heaven knows what I’m stressing for
Just let it go”

(Lyrics from Will Young’s “Let it Go”, written by Eg White, Jeremy Gregory and Karen Poole)

I’m told that today (June 23rd) is “Let it go day”. So it seems an appropriate time to write something about letting things go

I thought I’d share just a couple of the ways that I know to make letting go easier.

Sometimes, it’s as simple as accepting that the meaning that you had given an event is not necessarily true.

Maybe it’s a generalisation that because something happened once it will always happen. What if, there was no bigger meaning then it happened once?

An example of this is:

“because I ‘messed up’ speaking in public before when I forgot a line in a school play, it means I’ll always mess up public speaking.”

There are things you can learn to make speaking in public easy. (See my PS for a recommendation.) What if, there is no other meaning to that past event apart from you once forgot a line?

Sometimes it’s about letting go of mind reading what someone may or may not have thought.

For example, maybe you think a work colleague doesn’t like you based solely upon the fact that they didn’t come and talk to you at a busy social gathering.

While they may not like you, it’s also equally possible that they didn’t speak to you because they didn’t see you, they were stuck in a conversation they couldn’t get out of maybe they thought that you not talking to them meant that you didn’t like them …

What if, you let go of guessing and making up a reason, and let it just be that you didn’t talk to each other at the event?

If you are playing with this particular technique and you notice that you are getting caught up in a story behind an event etc, firstly congratulate yourself for noticing.

Then ask yourself the following: what if you allowed yourself to let go of that story?

You may find that when you let go of the reason behind you are inspired to take some action.

Sometimes it’s about letting go of a feeling.

For example maybe you want to want to let go of the feeling of disapproving of your body.

The following is loosely based upon the work of the abundance technique:

1. Notice where in your body you are feeling that feeling – e.g. in your stomach, chest maybe even your throat.

2. Imagine that you can open a door above that feeling

3. Open that door and let that feeling out

4. Notice the colour of that feeling as it all leaves your body

As today is let it go day, I invite you to let go of anything that is holding you back. It’s just for the day – if you want you can always pick it up whatever you let go off again at the end of the 24 hours!

Use either of the ways I mention above or one of your own. If you are then inspired to take action by all means feel free to do that.

Have a lovely freeing week

Love

Jen

PS If you want to learn more about developing your public speaking skills (including banishing any fear) then I highly recommend Jonathan Altfeld’s course coming up in London in a few weeks (With dates being scheduled periodically around the globe.)

Click here to read more about what I have to say about the course and for a special offer for my readers.

“My Life is my message”

(Mahatma Gandhi, in response to journalists questioning about his message to the world)

As I sat down to start writing this weeks message 2 Tabby cats arrived to tell me that it had been thundering and I should be admiring them.

Now, these are 2 cats who do share (or should that be rule) the house so I perhaps shouldn’t be surprised. Though I was slightly bemused by the connection between thunder and me admiring them. (In retrospect it may have been more “I’m awake therefore you should be admiring me!”)

While obviously paying them attention, it reminded me of the expectations and rules that we often live by and impose upon ourselves.

The stories that we tell ourselves about why something has happened, or we have done something. The thing is it may seem perfectly natural and obvious for that story to be true – Ask my cats, its perfectly obvious to them that I should be spending time admiring them.

One of the exercises I occasionally do in smaller group trainings involve a lot of ping-pong balls and a bucket. The instructions I give is that they are not allowed to move from where they are sat (or throw the balls until after I had given the instructions and moved – something I added after the first time I ran the game ) The aim is simply to get as many balls into the bucket.

Depending upon the group we will have a range of success of getting some balls in the bucket but there is always some that do not end up in the bucket. When I ask the reasons why there wasn’t 100% success rate I would get a variety of reasons including:
overarm vs underarm techniques
Lack of practice
thrown from too far away
the bucket blended into the background so it was difficult to aim
and there was always some gush of wind from air conditioning or an open window to blow the light balls of target

I’ve done this game with hundreds of people and the list always included things that were under the direct control of the participants and things that were not. For example, I told the group that one of the rules was that they could not move, so how close they were throwing from was not in their direct control.

They did, for example, have control over the technique they chose – either over or under arm and to notice the ones that worked for them in that situation.

The thing that became obvious to me is that, when working with teams who’s performance I knew about, the ones who focused more on the things that were in their control were the ones who got less stressed when change happened. For example, in a business context new legal regulations being introduced were outside of the individuals direct control. The individuals and teams who coped the best with such change were the ones who accepted it and worked with them. The ones who focused more on what was outside of their control got far more stressed. It was as if they kept trying to run through a brick wall and were surprised when they came to a sudden stop.

The other interesting thing to note is that although some thought of the idea after, not one group has ever thought to pass the balls to the member who is closest or the most accurate thrower. So many thought that even without the instruction being given that they have to do everything themselves.

My sister often accuses me of cheating if I cross something off my to do list that I haven’t actually done myself. She seems to think that the important thing is doing it herself. I happen to think that the important thing is that it gets done. If someone else can do it better than I can, or enjoys it more so I can spend my time doing other things then even better.

At this stage each week I invite you to play with some exercise or experiment. This week I do the same and literally invite you to make it into a game.

If there is something in your life where you think you are stuck I invite you to play with this, otherwise you could always use your entire life.

As always the key words here is play and being lighthearted. If there is something that you feel you need extra support with then do go ask for help with that.

If you were going to teach someone else to play this situation or your life what would the rules be? If it helps you may want to write these rules down.

To help identify these rules use these questions as a basis:

What should they do?

What must they do?

What have they got to do?

Are there any secret rules that only you know about?

How do you know when to feel stuck?
Is there anything to do with the environment that you need to see, hear, feel, smell etc?
(For example, I once had someone say that the times when they felt stuck in their job was when they smelt egg sandwiches in the staff room!)

What skills/capabilities do you need to play this game? Are there any that you can’t have?

Does a player have to play this game using any particular behaviours?

What else is important for others to know about this so that they can play? Anything that they need to believe or things they need to value?

Is there a particular label or identity that the player has in this game? If so are there any rules connected with that?

When you have all the rules have a read through. You may notice that some are in your control and some are not.

You may notice that some are not useful or you may just want to laugh at.

Like the person with the smell of egg sandwiches, there may be things on there that are a complete surprise that are important to the rules as you were playing the game.

Remember we are only playing and if you wanted you could always change the rules to make it a different game.

You may be happy to leave some there “just because”.

Who or what do you know that could make playing this game easier?
Who or what do you know that could make playing this game more fun?

A Bonus, extra part, to play with:
This can be particularly powerful so do allow yourself to be gentle when playing with this bit.

The label you use for this is entirely up to you as its potentially unique for each person. Some people like to call it their inner knowing, wisdom or spirit. Others like to call this a higher power or being, some like to think of it as God. Use what ever works for you and take a moment to do whatever you know or need to do to connect with that.

Once you are connected notice what extra insights you get for the rules of this game.
What’s important to notice?
What’s not important?
When you have become aware of everything to be aware of with this you may want to say thank you and bring that knowledge back to where you are now.

Have a fantastically playful week

Love

If you prefer to listen to yesterdays “Stressful Tuesday?” message then you click HERE and then press play.

“A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety. ”