Your Changing Direction

This is the second of three pieces concerning self care. If you missed last weeks, or just want to read it again, you will find it here.

Self-care, who has time for that?

“If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?”

(Marie Dressler – Academy award winning actress 1868 – 1934)

This week I want to address the response that can often come up when people would probably benefit the most from including self-care into their routine. The “it’s a lovely idea but I haven’t got time to do anything else, everything else is just so important and urgent …” response

Sometimes taking action in a genuine emergency can be a form of self-care in itself – e.g. I highly recommend you remove yourself to safety if there is a fire alarm sounding!

However, sometimes we push ourselves by treating everything as urgent. This fire-fighting attitude generally focuses upon purely the short term – it misses the longer-term implications.

If you’ve ever done any first aid training you’ve probably had it well and truly hammered home that the first thing you do is check your own safety. The longer term focus being that you are very little use to anyone requiring your help if you take yourself out by injuring yourself first!

Likewise if you make yourself ill by not taking care of yourself you’ll take yourself out of the “game”.

While you may agree with this in theory, it doesn’t solve the issue of feeling that taking a bit of time to prioritise self care isn’t easy, even if it ultimately means you get more done long term.

Everyone’s commitments and schedules are different so this week I invite you to play with a question designed to assist you to identify specific ways that would work for you. This is a variation of a question I first heard Michael Neill use:

1. If you knew you were going to be paid £1 million* for finding time and doing self-care, what would you do differently to go about getting it?

* By all means adapt this question so that both the currency and amount means something for you.

Remember that what you do for self-care is something that makes a difference for you. Here are some examples of what I’ve seen others use and even done myself:

• Get up 1 hour earlier to do some exercise
• Write a shopping list before going shopping so you don’t get distracted and just buy junk food
• A carer talked to a family member/friend and arranged a set regular time for them to take care responsibility while they recharged and did something creative.
• Replace 30 minutes of watching TV to have a relaxing bath

The answer and self-care itself can be unique to you.

I invite you to commit for 1 week to using your new solution(s) and see the difference it makes to you. When I worked in the corporate world I found that although it appeared counter intuitive, getting up 1 hour earlier to go swimming before work actually resulted in me having more energy and was far more productive.

For most people 1 week is long enough for you to assess how this works for you. At which stage you can decide if you want to keep this as a regular event, amend bits or do something different. Just notice the difference this makes for you.

Have a busy week filled with more self-care

Love

Jen

“Remember that children, marriages and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get.”
(H. Jackson Brown Jr)

One of the questions I often ask clients, particularly when they report that they are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, is how much self-care have you been doing this week?

The most common responses I get are:
1) What do you mean self-care?
2) Yes I know what you’re going to say but I’ve got so much to do that’s really, really important and urgent that I haven’t got time for such niceties.
3) ”Doah!” or some other admittance that they hadn’t been doing any or it’s been much less than normal.

Over the next couple of weeks I will talk about all of these responses but for now let me concentrate on what I mean by self-care.

Out of curiosity recently I did a web search on the term self care and came across the following:

“Self care skills are the needs to manage day to day life. They include washing, dressing, cooking and housekeeping.”

Admittedly this was in reference to caring for someone else, and those things do all fall under self care, but when I ask my clients about self care I’m referring to much more that physiological needs.

In the 1940′s and 50′s psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed a theory of needs – you may have seen it represented as a pyramid, with the largest and lowest level of needs forming the foundations for the others to build upon.

There is scholarly debate about the order that the levels are placed in, or even if there is a hierarchy at all. And rather than get involved in that discussion, I’ll invite you to glance at the following synopsis and consider the emotional, physical and even spiritual effects and benefits that taking care of your needs for each category would have.

Physiological – What we, as humans, literally require to survive as a species. Needs that are seen to fall in this category include food, breathing, sleep and sexual activity.

Safety – In today’s society this does not only mean physical safety but can also include employment/financial security, health and security of property etc.

Love and Belonging – This category of “needs” covers aspects of feelings of belonging and building relationships, such as friendship, family and romantic.

Esteem – This heading covers needs such as self-esteem, confidence and respect – both of and by others.

Self-Actualisation – This, Maslow theorised, is the top of the pyramid, and is the section that covers what a persons potential is and fulfilling that potential. Dr Wayne Dyer describes it as:

 i) to be free of the good opinion of others,

ii) to do things not simply for the outcome but because it’s the reason you are here on earth.

I include these not because I necessarily agree with every single aspect of Maslow’s theory myself, but to encourage a broader look at the things that when you take care to include in your daily routine you feel more alive and generally have a better day.

This week I invite you to play with the following:

1. Make a list of all the things that when you do them, you have a better day. What are the things that when you do them you feel more alive and are more productive?
Now the things that appear on such a list varies from person to person. Some of the answers from clients and myself include:
· Eating fresh food rather than pre-packed fast food
· Taking 10 minutes in the morning to appreciate the view from my kitchen window
· Connecting with family
· Taking the longer but less crowded route to work
· Walking by open water
· Spending a few minutes to register my achievements and what I’m grateful for
· Having a relaxing bath rather than rushed shower
· Doing something creative

2. Once you have your list, notice which ones you do this week. You are allowed to keep adding to your list as you notice even more things that when you do them you feel more “alive” and better in yourself. How you do this is up to you but some people like to keep a visual record and note of what they have done.

Remember, I’m not asking you to deliberately do anything more than notice which ones you do this week. If you want to include any into your daily routine than by all means do so but know that’s an added bonus. You may also become aware of how self-care is reflected in different areas of your life.

If you read this and thought a variation of “I haven’t got time to do that” or “I get the theory but remembering to do that in practice is easier said than done” then rest assured I will talk more about those in the next couple of weeks.

Have a week full of noticing self-care,

Love

“If you just communicate you can get by. But if you skilfully communicate, you can work miracles”
(Jim Rohn)

I was asked the other day, by a family member, what I’d just been doing. My response was to ask who’s verson they’d like to hear – mine was that I’d been grooming the cat. The cat’s verson was that I’d kidnapped her, held her against her will and scalped her!

There’s an old saying about there being two sides to every story – in fact you’ve probably noticed that there can be considerably more than two sets of interpretation of the same event if there’s more than two people involved.

If you are trying to effectively communicate with someone else it often helps if you have an understanding of the other person’s perspective.

After all, communication involves at least 2 people, the person who is “sending” the message and the one who is receiving. An understanding of how they process the message you give because of their beliefs, values and other perspectives can help you craft and adjust what and how you communicate to become more effective.

This week I invite you to play with something I originally used in a business setting during “complaint handling” trainings. While you can certainly use it with a situation where there is a conflict, you can also pick any scenario where there’s been a missunderstanding or you were bemused by another person’s response.

1. Pick a situation to play with where the communication that took place didn’t go the way you intended.

2. Grab a pen and paper and tell the story from your perspective from start to finish.

3. Once you’ve finished telling that story, either pick somewhere else to sit or a different position in which to sit. Yes I know it’s a strange instruction, and one that may be tempting to miss out but it’s in here to make the rest of the steps easier!

4. Now imagine the same scenario from the other person’s perspective. If you like you can literally imagine stepping into their shoes and seeing through their eyes. Write down their verson of events – remember it’s their version so you’ll need to be ensure that your description is as if it had happened to you personally ie “I was …”

5. When finished, again change where or how you are sat to a new third position. – Honest, people really do find this helps to see from a new perspective.

6. Now, imagine that a third party was watching the same scenario and see it through their eyes. This is someone who has no personal investment in the situation, so it’s an unbiased view. How would they describe what they saw?

Bonus steps: If you like repeat steps 5 and 6 and pick imagining getting the perspective from a mentor and/or someone you view as an expert in such a situation. What advice would they give you having seen their perspective?

7. Re-read each version and notice any new insights you’ve learned. How can you use this information and perspective in the future?

Remember, this is not an exercise to beat yourself up using the benefit of hindsight about what you could have done. It’s an exercise to help you get even more out of your communication and life – maybe even allow you to work miracles

Have a week full of perspectives

Love

Jen

“Ideas are the mightiest influence on Earth. One great thought breathed into a man may regenerate him.”

(William Ellery Channing)

January 1^st of this year did not only see the start of 2010 but also the regeneration in the BBC’s family drama “Doctor Who” as the tenth doctor transformed into a new eleventh doctor. 

(For those not familiar with the show, the lead character is part of a race who can “regenerate” and change every cell in their body when the death of one body is inevitable.)

Part of the dictionary definition of regeneration is:

“give new life or vigour to. “

 The new year is one of the times when people resolve that they will do something different. It’s also not at all unusual for a new years resolution to have a familiar ring to it as it is the same thing you decided upon last year, the year before or even the year before that! 

This week, I thought I’d share a few thoughts to regenerate how you may want to play with resolutions and goals in general. If the way that you are currently playing/working with a goal/new years resolution is working for you than of course keep using them. This is just here to give a boost and some more vigour if needed :) 

* Get clear on what the end result is that you want, it will really help if this end result is something that when you think of it, it’s really something you actually genuinely want. Notice as you think of it, how you are imagining that – often being able to give a multi-sensory description can really make the outcome come to life for you.. For example, imagining what you will, see, hear, feel etc.

You’ll probably find that the motivation to take the next step is much easier if the outcome is something that you genuinely want. Perhaps reminding yourself at regular intervals of why you are doing something will make completing that easier.

* One of the easiest way I know to give something new life or vigour is to find ways to make the task or exercise fun. Perhaps that will mean filing paper work while singing along to your favourite music tracks. Maybe if your goal is to start doing exercise then you’d find a dance class more fun than going to the gym.

* Making a decision to make an actual commitment about your goal or resolution can also regenerate the action that you are taking towards a goal. That commitment can be specific to your goal ie if your goal is to complete a book, making a commitment to writing for 30 minutes a day (even if complete nonsense) will move you much closer to your goal. Perhaps it is a more general commitment such as committing to finding fun ways to keep moving forward that will make the difference for you.

 * Another form of commitment is to share your goal and new years resolution with others. Absolute radio’s breakfast DJ Christian O’Connell was inviting his listeners to share their goal for this year earlier this week. He was also offering to follow up with the callers throughout the year to see how they were progressing – if you haven’t already shared your goal, what would you do different if you knew someone would possibly ask you about your progress?

* Accountability can make a huge difference. I may be biased, as coaching is part of the service I offer, but one of my favourite ways to do that is to work with someone like a coach – somebody who I choose to be accountable towards. It’s amazing the amount of progress I can make leading up to my next coaching session.

* Another form of accountability is action buddies – by agreeing with someone to be in regular contact and to just report what you have done and what you are going to do can make a big difference to your productivity. The time period that you choose is up to you. Personally, on the action calls I offer in certain packages I find that chunks of 1 hour is perfect as it allows progress to be made, yet is small enough to be easily do-able. NB: If you are doing this with a friend than you may find that you have to be strict about just discussing what you have done and what you are going to do, otherwise you can end up with several long chats and no progress forward!

There are many different ways of giving new life and vigour to a goal or new years resolution, often it’s just doing something differently. If what you were doing wasn’t working find a new way of getting to where you want to be. While I know that some people favour beating themselves up if what they try first doesn’t work, personally I suggest that you congratulate yourself on noticing and doing something different instead.

The above are just a few ideas to get you started. This week I invite you to play with the following designed to give any goals or new years resolutions a boost. 

What could you do to give a new lease of life to a goal or new years resolution?

Grab a pen and paper and spend a couple of minutes writing down any and all ideas that come into your head for that question.

When you have finished re-read your list and decide if you want to choose to do any of them.

Have a wonderful week full of new life and vigour where needed.

Love

Jen

2 common New Year’s resolution involves doing more for others and learning. FreeRice is a non-profit website run by the United Nations World Food Program that covers both of these aspects. Free Rice aims to:

The concept is simple, you pick a catergory to answer questions from:

• Art
• Chemestry
• English
• Geography
• French
• German
• Italian
• Spanish
• Maths

For every question you get right 10 grains of rice gets donate to help end world hunger.

To play your part click Here

Get Everything Done and Still Have Time to Play [Amazon.co.uk link]
Get Everything Done: And Still Have Time to Play [Amazon.com link]

If you feeling pressured with having too much to do in too little time you’ll be relieved to find that this book is not only easy to read and is full of down to earth and common sense.

This is also NOT a time management book that is the size of a phone book! It is a short read so that you can start applying the content to your life to make a difference to your time crisis.

With the media full of items about the economy it seemed a perfect time to include a resource about money.

Michael Neill and Michelle Lisenbury Christendon have produced an 111 page ebook, containing ideas themes and experiments designed to create financial peace at any income. Using their years of experiences of working with thousands of people both as individual clients and in groups, Michael and Michelle share ways to making money fun. The electronic format means you can get the information within its page immediately without having to wait for any postal deliveries so that you can get started now and work at your own pace.

Click here for Money Made Fun: Creating Financial Peace on Any Income

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